Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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