There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Randomize
