im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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