I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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