We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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