I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
