I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
