i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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