It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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