i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
