I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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