Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We have started to decorate penises.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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