I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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