Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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