Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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