hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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