I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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