I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
