Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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