ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
