Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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