is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
