I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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