Pants 0. Shit 1.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Randomize
