You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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