I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
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I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
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I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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