i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
