We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
