Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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