As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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