Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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