Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
