Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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