Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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