my vag is so smooth its legendary
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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