So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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