thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
