So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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