I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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