kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
