Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
