she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
