Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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