you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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