There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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