i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
