My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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