I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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