My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
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