Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
