I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
