seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Randomize
