I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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