apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
