drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
soo... how was my night?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
