My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
